woke up this morning with out an alarm.
peace and quiet
and started getting ready for my day.
suddenly realized that it might not be 6am, like I thought.
it's 4:50. great.
go back to sleep? or tough it out and be a little more tired later today.
tough it out.

And that brings me here. 5:30 AM. dressed and ready for my day. seems like it's either one extreme or the other for me these days. Either my alarm goes off at 6:30 and I snooze for an hour, or turn it off and sleep later than desired. OR I wake up before my alarm, tossing and turning, unable to sleep anymore. I've never had anxiety like this in my life. Then again, I've never been through as much as i have in the past 6 months. or dealt with death so close to me. or drugs so close to me. I've started therapy again, for the first time since I was living in Buffalo and depressed and in a sad relationship. My relationship is the one thing that is now my rock. My thing I know I can count on and my lovely future husban that will support and accept me through everything.

RE: my last post, our wedding site offered us a few dates in May, that if we were able to move our date (up by 4 months!) we could keep our gorgeous site, and all our vendors. And after much thought, and agony, and tears, and worry, and excitement, and frustration, we have chosen to move the wedding date, despite the scheduling conflicts that could potentially come up. There were pros and cons either way we went with it. And we fell in love with this site, and it's the wedding we want to have (with the vendors that will make it great!). So, while it's bound to be a little more stressful with rushing a lot of the planning. It's also really motivating us to get some of these things done. Things that I've spent hours on the blog circuit for inspiration and ideas. It's time to choose what we want. And that's always a great feeling.

Valentines Day is this weekend, and our 5 year anniversary. Just in case Steve reads this blog ever, I'll post about what I got for him after the gift exchange. But I'm really excited about what I got him. :) And we are heading up to Santa Cruz for the weekend. Mostly to see the family, and get away from LA for a second before full blown wedding planning happen to our lives. But we do have three wedding related things to do.

1) Meet with Nancy (hopefully our officiant) and discuss the beginning stages of designing our ceremony
2) Meet with "someone's" mom (remaining secret here, since I know my MOH reads this) about some gifts for my best friends/bridesmaids
3) Meet with JD, the dude who marry's everyone at Mt Madonna, and get some ideas of how to work a little bit of the Hindu traditions into our ceremony.

should be a productive and love packed weekend. We are going out to dinner with my dad and his gf on V-Day. And my sister has her 13th birthday party on Sunday. ( I think it's been honestly like 9 years since I was home for her birthday. . . . sorry sissy! i love you!)